Tales From the Shelf – Extreme Canadian Horror Collection

For years I have been picking through discount DVDs and movie collections and have amassed embarrassingly large DVD collection filled with movies I have never watched. This is what the column is all about forcing me to go through my DVD shelf and watch them and if you had any idea of what my impulse buys are like you would shudder.

Extreme Canadian Horror Movie Collection
Shelf Life: October 2011-January 2013
Paid: $9.99

canhorror

I heart Doomsday

After a doomsday weapon malfunctions it leaves the mad Scientist Maxmillian von Max maimed and his girlfriend Tatiana with Amnesia Max builds a robot version of himself to get back his lover. Who undoubtedly falls in love with the robot.

Three words come to mind when talking about I heart Doomsday: “immediately off putting” The film starts in full student film mode with black and white images and an over the top angsty narration. I won’t dwell on that to much though cause I think that’s a joke. Come to think of it that’s pretty much what its like to watch “I Heart Doomsday” This movie bypasses the part of your brain that says “this is funny laugh” instead just making you confused. In full disclosure I did laugh at some of the jokes but those were few and far between.

I feel a lot of this is due to the movies art design namely that it’s fucking awful.  I get that it’s a joke my problem is that it’s not funny: it’s distracting

Everything looks like it was built using random stuff found at the dump.  A character whips out a ray gun later on in the movie and it’s obviously a hairdryer with extra crap glued to it. And my immediate thought isn’t “ha ha that looks lame” Its” what the shit is that supposed to be?”

It’s a Romantic Comedy with lame jokes so what did I think of the romance? It’s surprisingly effective the two leads are believable in there roles and have a good amount of chemistry. In fact this movie becomes downright endearing in the second half. Would I recommend “I Heart Doomsday”?  I only really liked half the movie and I can’t recommend a movie I only half enjoyed so no.

0.5/1 for the Extreme Canadian Horror Collection

Were Wolf Fever

Were Wolf Fever is (allegedly) a horror comedy in which a werewolf attacks a 50s era fast food restaurant staffed by some of the worst fucking actors I have ever seen. The entire cast sounds like they are reading off a script the entire time. This is movie is complete garbage, just how the hell am I supposed to laugh at the jokes when they are delivered with all the emotion of a sedated Ben Stein?  This movie is a horror comedy that is zero parts funny zero parts scary and all parts shit moving on.

0.5/2 for the Extreme Canadian Horror Collection

Long Pigs

“Its long pig stew” jokes Anthony McAlistar (Anthony Alviano) as he digs into his latest victim which we saw moments earlier kill and butcher. Long Pigs is a mocumentary about a cannibalistic serial killer who is being filmed by two desperate “film makers.”  Full disclosure: I hate found footage movies they are always filled with one dimensional idiot characters with no survival instincts. That being said this movie features Idiot characters with no survival instincts but in this movie we are supposed to hate them.

I feel that the lynch pin of any mock doc is a strong central character and judging from this movie directors Nathan Hynes and Chris Power would agree with me. Anthony Alviano gives a great performance as the chubby serial killer who to outside appearances seems to be a nice guy, it’s an interesting character that is well played.

This movie is often dark and disturbing, and at other times quite funny. It’s a dark comedy that stays true to the characters and the story.  while this film has lots of interesting characters almost none that are likeable, the film crew in particular does something in the second act that is incredibly despicable.

If you were thinking “this sounds a lot like Man bites Dog” I would agree with you: it is a bit derivative of “Man Bites Dog” but the world is big enough for at least two mock docs about serial killers. (At least ones that are as well written and performed as this is)

1.5/3 for the Extreme Canadian Horror Collection

Aegri Sominia (A Sick Man’s Dreams)

After his wife’s sudden death Edgar starts to have increasingly disturbing hallucinations and he begins to unravel.

The blurb on the back of the DVD case goes on and on about the look of the film but hardly touches on character or story and that is probably why I found this movie to be so tedious. The movie repeats the same beats several times: Edgar is dragged to a social event, things get increasingly weird, Edgar leaves and than has some hallucinations back at home. The story and characters are second tier to the look of the film which is great, it’s striking and interesting but it’s not enough to carry a 91 minute running time.

1.5/4 for the Extreme Canadian Horror Collection

Abolition

Joshua is a sad sack that almost everyone is a colossal prick too apparently he will make a decision that will ultimately decide the fate of humanity I couldn’t tell you I turned it off. Yes this movie was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I just didn’t have the will to sit through this horrifically dull poorly written tripe for another second. So I really can only comment on the first 45 minutes. It was dull, unpleasant and the story Still. Had. Not. Started. Yet. That is inexcusable! Joshua has no motivation he is not doing anything! So judged on the first 45 minutes I wouldn’t recommend it.

1.5 /4 for the Extreme Canadian Horror Collection

Is it worth your money?  I feel that “Long Pigs” is good enough film that the collection is worth the $10 Aegri Sominia has some interesting things going for it and I heart doomsday actually has a heart and I can see certain people enjoying it.

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